Home » Human Rights » Bar Talk – New Churches, Gender Equality [opinion]

I would like to apologise for not being able to bring you a wonderful picture of the happy son trying to avoid the glaring eye of the camera at court. Some regulars slept on the job and I assure you that they will not be getting any drinks courtesy of the Drinkers’ Eternal Slush Fund in the foreseeable future.

We will not give them even a drop of water to wet their throats. Once upon a time, I would have said that they would be as poor as a church mouse. Not now, for now church mice are rich and sleek.

Which is why the regulars are seriously considering founding their own church and are currently looking at a few names, for it is all about branding and marketing, you see. After brainstorming over several drinking sessions, we have narrowed it down to six options. Follow the caps to get the symbolism.

1. The Genuine Imbibing Nicodemuses’ Gathering.

2. The Redeemed Under Morality Adherents.

3. We Hope In Seen Knowledge Yearly Congregation.

4. Be Eternally Effervescent Righteously Church.

5. The Voice Of Dearly Kept Angels Followers.

6. Wholly International Neutral Evangelistic Apostles.

We have already lined up a few actors to come and pretend to be saved and healed and we will make sure that we pay them all their fees so they do not tell on us to the Press.

We have also identified the media practitioners to put on the payroll to ensure optimum coverage to counter the voices of the enemy who we know will be “paid or used” to denounce us.

We are talking to Zoey to be our choir leader. The intermediary we sent to sound her out says she is ready to do this and knows that it will be a great success because we are not asking her to get a new wardrobe or change her dance routines.

We have also engaged a bottler to package our holy water which is guaranteed to treat buzzing headaches on Monday mornings, balance acidic stomachs on the same day and sharpen befuddled brains when faced with traffic cops or irate bosses.

The same bottled miracles will also ensure that no matter how often you dip into your pocket to sponsor the round at the usual place, your wallet will never be empty. For the more you take out and give unto the bartender, the more that money will multiply in your pocket.

Of course, this will not happen if you give it to any old bartender that you come across in any old bar. It has to be a Bra Gee certified bar tender or you will just be summoning the curse of the empty pocket.

But that is talk for another day when the church is ready to roll. Right now we have far much more important matters to discuss. The regulars had a talk the other day and we would like your answer to the question that puzzled us. Even the learned medical doctors in the usual place could not come to an agreement on this one.

What ails to jailed pastor of rampant appetites? Could it be malnutrition caused by lack of access to what appeared to have been his staple diet? If that is the case then surely the man will die in jail if he is kept there for much longer. (Not that the regulars would consider it too much of a tragedy).

But perhaps he will soon be able to arrange to have some accommodating prison guard allow him a chance to sample one of the many dishes that await him at home and beyond.

Speaking of the pastor and the way he could get women to literally bend over backwards and not cry wolf and we dovetail neatly into the issue of women activists.

A regular has accused Bra Gee of coming down heavy on the females of the human species and said that Bar Talk is contributing to the dis-empowerment of women. All these cases of women murdered, battered and raped are caused by people who portray them in negative light, the regular alleged.

Never one to avoid criticism, that allegation resulted in some self-introspection which proved such spurious accusations to be blatantly false. We only talk about women who have already put themselves out there, just like the men we talk about.

But the train of thought led to a look at the women’s movement in the country and why it seems to be going nowhere at a snail pace, which is why this regular is not too happy. And the answer is right there in your face, as soon as you know where to look.

The whole movement has become the personal fiefdom of one woman. You cannot go to any woman’s gathering without finding her at the podium. She has taken over most of the turf and it seems that she has cleverly positioned herself to be the Empress of women activists.

And we applaud such clever scheming and planning and would never discourage anyone from taking the icing and the cherry on top, if the rest of the party goers insist on snoozing while the cake is carved.

But the slumbering ones now seem to be shaking off their somnolence to ask why it looks like there are only crumbs on the table and all the party music being blasted off does not seem to be making many revellers merry.

Like, I said, the answer is right there if you know where to look. Empires were never founded to serve the public. At the height of the legendary spread across the globe, the British poor remained impoverished and died of TB (which they called consumption then) and typhoid and other horrid things like that in their slums.

The criminals had to make do with carving a life out of the harsh Australian outback while the rich sat in powdered splendour in their dainty British drawing rooms and drank the tea from China.

So if women are happy to have one voice, they must not cry if the audience finds their songs boring. Till next week, Bottoms up!

Source : The Herald