Home » Human Rights » Bar Talk – of Desperate Women and Warlock Gosprenuers [column]

Who am I?

There is no prize for guessing my name. I seem to have risen out of nowhere to hit the list of the richest people in the country in a few short years. And scandal just seems to love me. Be it married women, gold diggers or smuggled cars.

Conscious of my lack of pedigree, I have taken to unprovoked attacks against fellow operators in some demented and misguided attack. Why many are wondering at my beef with Vapostori, to those with critical eyes, everything is perfectly clear.

I do not want to follow the route of my fellow gosprenuer who seems to have reached his peak in crowd pulling and now must rely on a core of loyal followers who are naturally daily decimated through natural attrition and deserters. For it is no secret that he no longer pulls new desperadoes.

I run a big sowe where all congregants simply come kuzoshandirwa , not to find religion and I cannot afford to lose out to the new players who seem determined to establish their own domains. The pool of the gullible faithful never expands, I kid you not. So for every follower anyone else gains, someone in the game loses out and I have to make sure the biggest loser is not me.

In addition, my roots in spiritualism are mired in mud, especially after that media practitioner’s big mouth blew my cover of being a proteacuteeacute of that controversial Nigerian prophet. But I must admit that I learnt a lot from watching that guy’s operations even if it was from a distance, not the close quarters that I would have wanted to claim.

But now I can hardly claim to have a different spiritual father, can I? So while my main rival has got his spiritual lineage in place, I cannot say the same. Which leaves me in the unhappy place of being neither fish nor flesh. Somehow I interpret that to mean that I must be at war with everyone including the nyau dancers. In my lexicon if you are not with me, then you are against me.

Real men wanted

We have found the perfect solution to this problem of vendors. Well at least the male ones. All these warm bodies that are taking up so much space on our streets could be put to more, eh, productive use.

We propose to take them to Kaimbu County in Kenya where the women claim to be desperately seeking ‘real men’ who can cross the finishing line in good time when it is time for the horizontal Olympics. In case you missed that story we will fill you in: Some female humans marched in that corner of the world apparently protesting that the men of the area were not playing their part in ensuring procreation thus young married women are going around without distended tummies.

We will digress a bit to question the credentials of the protesters. The pictures we saw busted all our stereotypes of what young married women look like and looked like the stereotype for that bitter man-less brigade. These looked like those same cowards who turned up for the much hyped mini-skirt march dressed in jeans and long dresses, much to our disgust.

Yes, we mean they look like the usual activists desperately searching for relevance in order to keep the donor funds rolling, instead of young wives desperate for a bit of action. And just like our own WOZA marches, we even spotted a blanched face in the rent-a-crowd. Then there was some representative of the male species. Was he marching in solidarity or is he too an unsatisfied wife?

But let us get back to why we want our men to go to Kaimbu. Just one look at our population statistics will tell you that our men, young and old, have no problem with planting their seed. A look at the maintenance court sagas will also show that a sizeable number of the men have no problem with planting their seed in any fertile field that they can get access to, unless the field owner is vigilante against growing weeds on her patch. For unwanted crops are weeds, be they flora or Homo sapiens.

And since the women of Kaimbu only seem to resent that their men spend so much money and time on alcohol only in so far as it stops the conjugal rights, then maybe unlike the women of Zimbabwe they do not mind looking after the children on their own. We suppose the Kaimbu women are happy to buy their own weaves as long as their bedroom needs are met.

Another interesting point is that the men and women who responded to the protest said something about how men cannot be expected to rise to the occasion in the face of stress caused by prevailing economic woes. Seriously, in Kenya where they recently elected a young head of state who does social media? And here we had been led to believe that economic woes were a unique Zimbabwean thing brought about by the age of our president and the number of his years at the helm?

Last Call: Give that man a beer

We wonder what the fuss is about when our political leaders resort to downing their sorrows in their favourite beverages as was recently the case with our northern neighbours. It is a democratic right to drink whatever pleases our appetites finish and klaar!

US president Barack Obama who was in Germany this week for the G7 Summit could not resist lure of the wise waters when he stopped by the village of Kruen for a glass of beer with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and fellow world leaders to celebrate German culture. The charismatic leader enjoyed the beer tasting event to the extent that he had some useful recommendation which we hope will be taken seriously by the responsible authorities.

He said: “We should have all our summit meetings in this incredible village and drink beer.”

But of course some of the usual anti-something crowd had to rush in and spoil the party by saying President Obama’s beer was non-alcoholic. As if at the usual place we would care about such splitting of hairs. What matters is the act rather than the content.

And of course the PR department could not allow the president to be written off as a limp eh, hand. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest tried to gloss over the situation by saying that Obama didn’t specifically order a non-alcoholic beer, but drank the beverage provided for the event.

“I can tell you only that I’m not aware of what kind of beer the president was served, but I’m confident that he did not order a non-alcoholic beer,” he said. “I don’t know what he was eventually served. But I would be very, very surprised if he ordered a non-alcoholic beer.”

We will leave it at that and as we look forward to forthcoming Sadc and Africa Union summits in this part of the world. We cordially invite the leaders to pass through the usual place and enjoy our hospitality. Although we expect the party to be at their expense of course.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Source : The Herald