Home » Human Rights » Bar Talk – of Errant Nephews, Woman Shortages [column]

This week we start with words of wisdom. The Shona say that it is great to be one in a multitude for a spear thrown by the enemy will fall on the son of a sister or a daughter, who in the final analysis will be no great loss to the maternal clan.

We have to wonder if the mortally wounded Muzukuru whose Sekuru is distancing himself from the line of fire ever learnt this sagacity when he was a toddler on his grandmother’s knees.

Just in case, he missed out the lesson on proverbs, we will add another one.

Only the grass that the buffalo has swallowed is an assured meal, for death may strike before it has downed the clump which it is still chewing.

There, two statements of wisdom free for the price of none. Too bad, as with every other piece of aice, they only come when it is too late for them to be any good right now. But who knows, maybe they could come in handy in the next lifetime for the brash one.

And in case you are wondering, yes, the civil cheer is somewhat in swing although we have to make our displeasure known to a certain fellow Zimbabwean citizen whose parents were of Asian origin.

This gentleman has appropriated quite a large percentage of the proceeds that should have been channelled to the bartender.

All civil servants in Harare are taking all their back pay to this gentleman’s premises whence they emerge staggering under the weight of green branded “saga” bags.

This has greatly affected the attractiveness of the long drinking spell provided by the long weekend.

A non-drinking regular avers that the drinking constituency must not take aantage of the opportunity brought about by Easter because we are allegedly an unholy lot.

Well, we have an offer for you our uptight friends.

We do not care about why a drinking day comes about, and neither should you.

So please, stick to your prophet worship and preach not to us and in return we will silently keep our throats oiled in peace.

We will even forbear to talk about how tonight some of you will volunteer to be judged while they still walk the earth.

Not that it sounds much like judgment when it is premised on promises of crossing over to perfect health and heavy pockets. No wonder why thousands are going to be lining up for some.

But no matter, each to their own foibles and if it is all the same with you, we will drink and await the real judgment at the pearly gates where we are told some stern bearded men in white robes will be putting our thought, word and deed under scrutiny.

There presumably the majority of us, from both our camp and yours are fated to be condemned to hot regions where we are sure to be in good company among false prophets, hypocrites and all other loveable characters who tickle our fancy in this earthly sojourn.

A number of female spouses have been in touch with yours truly expressing great delight at the rumoured break up of the second marriage of the Sungura king.

“Serves the “you-know-what” right. Who the hell did she think she was to come and break another woman’s heart like that? I am glad that she is now in tears. That should teach all the other smell houses to find their own men and not dream of destroying our marriages,” railed one spouse who was obviously on fire.

We had to warn her not to believe everything that she reads in the paper and not to call for a party prematurely. Tiffs have been known to happen in every marriage, even those to second wives who fancy themselves the best thing to happen since sausages and ribs were placed on the braai stand.

Some regulars asked if this spouse had taken note of the census results which unequivocally stated that for every 48 men there are 52 women.

So by extrapolation that means four percent of men must have two wives each, or two percent could have four wives each so as to absorb the extra numbers on the female side.

But another regular disputed these figures saying that 100 percent of men need several women, which explains why men have had to find mistresses among married women.

There are not enough single women to go around.

So next time you hear of a cheating married woman you must not judge her too harshly as she is just trying to help the situation woman shortage, all around the country.

Some men have become so desperate that they have had to resort to raid schools in order to rob the cradle.

There is a very interesting Facebook storm brewing in which one of our very important personages is being exposed for the hyena he really is.

Stories of impregnated school girls, one from whom the resultant offspring has been kidnapped are making the rounds.

To add spice to the meal, there are also bits of a bimbo model working for some technologically savvy company who totalled a car in an accident that was never reported to the cops because the good looking woman produces her immunisation certificate when asked for her driving credentials.

But that is not all folks. When the accident occurred the bimbo was on her way for a tryst with the important personage who at least seems to have finally graduated from reaping green tomatoes, I mean sleeping with school girls.

A big fat clue — look among men whose titles are not mere mister, but something more dignified which shows that they spent several years in institutions of higher learning getting some august qualification. But you will no doubt hear all the salacious details soon.

Meanwhile we would really like to know if Pastor Gumbura is ministering to his fellow inmates in prison or does his divine inspiration only visit him when his vision is filled with wide expanses of smooth legs beneath full bosoms topped by beautiful faces.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: brageesbar@gmail.com

Source : The Herald