Home » Business » Bar Talk – of Fairy Tales, Reformed Regulars, Nothing Oils [column]

This week we start off with a fairy tale, so order a full glass of whatever grabs your throat best and let me tell you a story. There was a white man who wanted to do business in Zimbabwe. He was a man of the world whose empire building had not been exactly according to generally accepted textbook financial manoeuvres.

So the white boy knew that like anywhere in the world, he needed to get things right with the right people. In Washington that would have meant making a deal with some senators through some lobby group, which said the deal would leave the senator considerably richer, albeit in an indirect way.

But being Zimbabwe the white man only needed to get in touch with someone who was in close connection with the people who mattered. And that happened soon enough and things started moving fast.

Then came the day when the white man was to hand over the agreed pay off, in hard cash. He collared his manager and the important personages were taken on a tour of the place where the business would be happening.

The white man explained his vision and how it would help the country even though it was helping him and the important personages most. And the white man got to like the sound of his own voice and went on and on until he was rudely interrupted by the mutterings of one guest whispering to the other:

“Uyu murungu asatitambisire nguva nekutiudza zvisina basa. Ngaangotipa briefcase yedu tiende. We have things to do.”

What the very important personage did not realise was that one of the white boys had grown up on a farm and spoke superb Shona. So the white man realised that he could do and say whatever he wanted about the business because his “partners” only cared about their take and nothing else.

The gentleman who grabbed the briefcase and went his way now says he has no idea concerning the details of the business. We are not surprised at all because when they were being imparted he was busy planning what he would buy for his latest young and fresh university student wife.

Fill up your glasses and let us have a laugh at the senile Desmond Tutu who says he will not vote for ANC because they did not ask him to speak at Mandela’s funeral and although he “pretended to be humble”, he was cut to the bone and is now out to exact his revenge by de-campaigning Zuma and company.

We have personally never liked the supercilious retired Archbishop and all his self-serving hypocrisy as he sits as judge and jury on everyone who does not worship him. We have always said he is no saint and now his true colours show.

Fie Desmond! Such an uncharitable attitude from a man who claims to be a Vicar of Christ on earth and who claims to be tolerant and forgiving to all! Or does your tolerance only come during gay issues because your western friends pay well anyone who claims to just love it when men who like men and women who like women demonstrate their preferences in public?

Not that at the usual place we are particularly anti-gay, no. Like most Zimbabweans we really do not care what consenting adults do behind closed doors and until sponsored activists started shouting about gay rights, no one thought much about it.

Now we have been branded anti-gay by countries where they give gays all rights on paper then show them love by calling heterosexuals “straight” thus condemning gays as “queers”.

Just go to our dear neighbours where Tutu would never dream of worshipping a God who is homophobic and you will find gay bashing including corrective rape and murder are the most popular national sport!

But enough of the stupid cleric. Let us move on to the story of the moment right here at home. Of course we mean the divorce whose details have kept us late in the bar the whole week.

Old time regulars will remember that some years back when the top musician was on cloud nine we warned him about attempting to play in the premier league without a sturdy pair of football boots.

We asked why this woman who had apparently been around Zimbabwe and beyond on her back claimed not to have had children before he turned up, in spite of an earlier marriage.

And now we are vindicated for our stance that he was falling for a gold digger who did not even bother to hide the fact as she so flashily set up to make over the farm boy into a style icon who would suit her self-perception as a sophisticated woman.

In the way of the newly rich, she dragged him around town splashing his money on vulgar Chinese furniture which should be left in Nollywood film sets and never be put in a home whose owner aspires to any semblance of class.

All that while was she not a aware that a humble earthworm inhabited the shrine where most men would like to claim that there is a python in residence? Or did the money make it all seem worthwhile then?

Meanwhile we are glad that the bottle inserting regular who had been misled into leaving the house of good cheer to go to the other side has reformed and returned home.

Welcome back, Sister Bev and may you never stray from the fold where honest regulars never pretend to be anything other than what they are whores are whores, thieves are thieves and con artists brag about their skills instead of pretending that they are answering a higher call when exhorting money from the meek, blind, arrogant, rich, poor, in fact everyone. And of course the joke of the week has to be the transparently obvious theatrics about the forthcoming “holy” oil which has been in the brewing for the past four years.

Even if we have to steal a bottle, once the oil is released we will have it analysed in a lab so that we can tell the world just what ordinary substance is being packaged to mislead the brainwashed into believing that this is a special substance dribbling straight from heaven into just this one man’s perfectly placed container.

Meanwhile the brainwashed are working extra hard, begging, borrowing and stealing left, right and centre to ensure that they have ample offerings to offer the clever one between his announcement and the time he will deign to give them a few drops of the oil.

If only they would put such effort into solving their marital and financial problems in the first place. But who are we to argue against faith with the “anointed” one? In fact we envy the man’s ability to interrupt the scriptures about fools and their money and so easily part the dollars from people whose sole reason for being in Harare is to look for cash.

If only we could do the same, the Drinkers’ Eternity Slush Fund would be set for posterity, just like the man’s great grand children will never have to work a single day in their lives because he is doing it all for them.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: brageesbar@gmail.com

Source : The Herald