Home » Governance » Tips for a Great 90+ Birthday Party (for Dictators)

On 21 February 2015, the world’s oldest sitting president, Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, turns 91. Satirist John Zhira gives a few tips for those who will be planning a nonagenarian dictator’s party any time in the future.

10 Tips for a 90+ ‘dictaparty’

1. Cake: It’s not a birthday without a birthday cake! The suggested size of the cake is 1 square metre for every year. But remember! The candles have to put as close together as possible, so that the birthday boy can blow them out (91 year old lungs are not what they used to be, even for a non-smoker)

2. Food: Ideally, the birthday boy himself should get some rare, juicy pangolin but elephant, buffalo, or impala meat will do as well. Remember to cook the meat until it is beyond tender.

3. Dress Code: The guests’ clothes, t-shirts, printed cloth outfits and shoes, should depict the birthday boy. The great leader can always look at the people in front of him to remind him of who he is, in case his prodigious memory falters.

4. Presents: These can be sourced from the many businesses that are privileged to operate on sovereign land, from the peasants and workers who benefit from the great leader’s visionary guidance, and from the national coffers, which exist at the leader’s pleasure anyway

5. Balloons: These are to be avoided- a balloon loudly popping may trigger an ‘unpleasant event’. However, if they are absolutely necessary, they should of course be in revolutionary colours, and must be filled by the breath of patriotic citizens as a symbol that they are willing to give their very breath for the dear leader.

6. Music: The music can and should be as loud as possible, so that the birthday boy can hear it. If the lyrics of the songs praise the birthday boy, even better! In fact, it should be a must that all the songs include his name at least once-even if this means rewriting a few lines. Party members must remember to erupt in sporadic chants of his name throughout the day.

7. Breaks: The man needs to rest sometimes. Have a temporary bed set up in the back of the big tent for the birthday boy to grab an occasional nap. Don’t worry about the music being too loud, the dear leader can choose when and when not to turn on his ears.

8. Ambulance: This one is self-explanatory.

9. Carpet: it is imperative to ensure that the carpet that is at least 5 centimetres deep and well-cushioned. It should also be provided by a patriotic and vetted company. The carpet should be laid out with no creases, no bumps and absolutely no holes, lest the leader has to break a fall. Any carpet mishaps should be zealously avoided.

10. Above all, have fun!

Waza is proud to feature as part of its content local bloggers who have a knack for expressing their unique perspectives, independent thoughts and engaging stories. The opinions expressed here are those of the author. Be sure to check out our What’s Up Africa episode on Mugabe’s 91st birthday, and also read about how some Zimbabweans reacted to his recent elevation to AU chairman.

Source : Waza